I could start having a difficult conversation in my head long before it happened. I was going to talk to somebody at two o'clock. Here was what I would say. Here was what they would ask. Here was my answer. Then I would reach a word and think, I can't say that.
That is the head game I describe as pre-planning to stutter. I was trying to predict the words and the problems before I was actually with the person.
The same thing happened while someone else was talking
I would plan my response, look for the words I thought I could get out and think about the words I would try to avoid. The other person was still speaking. A lot of my attention was already on my own next turn.
In my old notes, I describe an exchange that could feel like a one-way monologue with a few words from me. I wanted to talk more, but my mind was occupied with how I would do it.
Waiting for an introduction made the pattern obvious
In the yoga class, we were going around the circle to introduce ourselves and tell an embarrassing story. I knew the feeling of counting how many people were left before my turn. Four more. Twelve more. My name was coming.
I raised my hand and volunteered to go first. I said afterward that I was still scared, but preferred that choice to sitting there dreading the countdown. That story shows the moment I chose a different way to enter it.
What preparation did I still use?
I still had ideas about what I would talk about. When recording, I might write down a few words. I knew the subject. What I stopped trying to do was script every line and control what the other person would say.
I wanted to find the next words while listening to the actual exchange. That was the change I was trying to make, and it took practice.
For work calls, remembering something real about a client gave me a question I could ask. I could know they had been on a trip or that a child was in college. I still had to hear what they told me when I asked about it.
That kind of preparation had a different purpose from rehearsing all the things that might go wrong.
I didn't learn it in one attempt
I failed plenty of times. I tried to be spontaneous and blocked or wasn't quick enough. I also carried difficult moments into the night and used them to picture tomorrow.
So the work included the conversation and the thoughts around it. I wanted to hear the person, respond and stop spending so much of the exchange inside the next sentence I was afraid of saying.
This is the experience I mean when I discuss anticipation: a particular word or situation gets close, and the planning and worry can begin taking over my attention. The listening article explains what I tried to give that attention to instead.
An anticipated situation can change in your own mind
When Don and I were talking about a possible future wedding, I brought up the speaking involved. He said his past self would have been thinking about the what-ifs, but he hadn't thought twice about it.
I answered, “No, that's great, dude.” He felt he was moving away from spending months in pain over what might happen. That was the change he described in how he was thinking about that future event.