# What did expecting a stutter feel like for me?

By [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)

I could start having a difficult conversation in my head long before it happened. I was going to talk to somebody at two o'clock. Here was what I would say. Here was what they would ask. Here was my answer. Then I would reach a word and think, I can't say that.

That is the head game I describe as pre-planning to stutter. I was trying to predict the words and the problems before I was actually with the person.

## The same thing happened while someone else was talking

I would plan my response, look for the words I thought I could get out and think about the words I would try to avoid. The other person was still speaking. A lot of my attention was already on my own next turn.

In my old notes, I describe an exchange that could feel like a one-way monologue with a few words from me. I wanted to talk more, but my mind was occupied with how I would do it.

## Waiting for an introduction made the pattern obvious

In the yoga class, we were going around the circle to introduce ourselves and tell an embarrassing story. I knew the feeling of counting how many people were left before my turn. Four more. Twelve more. My name was coming.

I raised my hand and volunteered to go first. I said afterward that I was still scared, but preferred that choice to sitting there dreading the countdown. [That story](/waiting-for-your-turn-to-introduce-yourself) shows the moment I chose a different way to enter it.

## What preparation did I still use?

I still had ideas about what I would talk about. When recording, I might write down a few words. I knew the subject. What I stopped trying to do was script every line and control what the other person would say.

I wanted to find the next words while listening to the actual exchange. That was the change I was trying to make, and it took practice.

For work calls, remembering something real about a client gave me a question I could ask. I could know they had been on a trip or that a child was in college. I still had to hear what they told me when I asked about it.

[That kind of preparation](/preparing-without-scripting) had a different purpose from rehearsing all the things that might go wrong.

## I didn't learn it in one attempt

I failed plenty of times. I tried to be spontaneous and blocked or wasn't quick enough. I also carried difficult moments into the night and used them to picture tomorrow.

So the work included the conversation and the thoughts around it. I wanted to hear the person, respond and stop spending so much of the exchange inside the next sentence I was afraid of saying.

This is the experience I mean when I discuss anticipation: a particular word or situation gets close, and the planning and worry can begin taking over my attention. [The listening article](/listening-without-monitoring-your-speech) explains what I tried to give that attention to instead.

## An anticipated situation can change in your own mind

When Don and I were talking about a possible future wedding, I brought up the speaking involved. He said his past self would have been thinking about the what-ifs, but he hadn't thought twice about it.

I answered, “No, that's great, dude.” He felt he was moving away from spending months in pain over what might happen. That was the change he described in how he was thinking about that future event.

## Related answers

- [What happened when my practice did not work?](/when-stuttering-practice-goes-badly)

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