I failed a lot of times. I want to be straight about that. I could be trying to speak spontaneously, somebody would say something, and I wasn't quick enough. Or I blocked.
I took ideas into classrooms, jobs, calls and social situations. Sometimes they didn't hold up the way I wanted. I kept studying, trying and refining what I could use. The speech you hear from me now has that work behind it.
But there are different questions inside “it didn't work.” Sometimes I needed more practice. Sometimes I needed a clearer explanation. Sometimes the particular situation needed a different decision. Here are exchanges where you can see what I actually responded to.
When the explanation had not landed
One person described something like a writer's block in a conversation: not knowing what to say next. I asked for an example and what happened in his mind before that moment.
I thought his attention might be on anticipated difficulty instead of the conversation. During the exchange, he said he was trying to open his camera and had missed some of what I said. He then described my suggestion as not thinking, and later as mirroring.
I corrected those descriptions. I wanted him to hear the other person's words and think about what they meant. I used the cashier example: watch the mouth move while the person talks, listen, and try not to plan your next words through their turn.
That conversation needed a more precise explanation. He needed me to clarify what I meant by listening in that exchange.
When I could give feedback on an actual attempt
With Don, I asked him to describe something he appreciated about his girlfriend with enthusiasm. When he said “the kindest,” I picked out the way he had said that phrase. I heard a louder, confident voice without anger, and asked him to try another example with that voice.
He said he was tired. I asked for one more example and said I would stop afterward. When he asked whether the delivery sounded salesy or theatrical, I explained what I had heard. He described more energy, rhythm and flow, and less effort to talk quietly and disguise mistakes.
That was a specific attempt we could discuss. His response during that call gave us something to work with.
When I suggested changing the conditions
When Don wanted to rebuild confidence by talking to strangers, I suggested postponing recording. I was concerned that thinking about the camera could become another distraction while he was trying to speak.
For a proposed outing together, I wanted a gentler place to practice. I said we could read the room and leave because it wasn't a work obligation. That condition mattered: the outing was something we could choose and change.
When someone described a different experience
One caller said that avoiding words had helped him hide difficulty when his speech was otherwise nearly flawless. Over time, he described becoming more anxious about hiding it and said his speech had worsened.
I said I respected what he was saying and wanted to keep talking. I could share what had worked for me. That exchange did not end with a complete new answer to the difficulty he described. His account belongs alongside my preference for substitution.
When preparation felt like another expectation
In the telephone discussion, one participant worried that building himself up would make a disappointing call feel worse. I responded strongly about expecting to be hurt and let down.
Another part of that discussion concerned a caller who said successive calls became more comfortable even though the first one felt hard. He had mostly been going in cold. I wanted him to try changing how he felt before the first call.
Those concerns came from different people. One was worried about the pressure of preparing; the other described becoming more comfortable over successive calls. I suggested changing how he felt before the first call. The conversation gives us his earlier experience and my suggestion. It gives no later result for that suggestion and no complete answer to the first person's concern.
What I can show from my own work
Learning an idea and using it in a real situation took different amounts of work for me. I wanted to see what happened, understand it and try again with something more specific to work on.
My failed attempts are part of the account. So are the clarifications, the adjustments I actually suggested and the questions a particular exchange left open. My practice overview brings the kinds of work together without pretending every attempt went the same way.