Enthusiasm was one way I learned to play with confidence. I could talk about something I cared about and hear a little more energy in my voice. I wasn't suddenly super confident. A little more was something I could work with.
In a call with Don, we had been talking about a confident man he encountered through work. I asked him to pay attention to the way the man spoke: the tonality, the changes in volume, the energy. Don recognized it. Then I asked him to try expressing enthusiasm himself.
I asked for something specific
I asked Don to tell me something he liked about his girlfriend and say it with enthusiasm. He said she was mature and kind. I came back with, “How kind. How kind. I want to hear your voice.”
I was happy he cared about her. But I told him, “It's all about fluency.” We were using a person he really cared about as something he could speak about with feeling.
What did I notice in the attempt?
Don said, “Some say the kindest.” I stopped on the way he had said “the kindest” the first time. I told him I had heard a loud confident voice, without anger. Then I asked for another example of her kindness, using that same voice.
He told me about her work with a nonprofit for children with cancer. I said it sounded amazing, but I wasn't hearing the enthusiasm. Don said, “I'm tired, man. It's been a day.” I asked him to try it one more time and said, “And then I'll stop.” He gave the example again.
What about sounding fake or theatrical?
After that attempt, Don asked whether he sounded salesy and fake, or too theatrical. My answer was, “No, that's what enthusiasm sounds like.” I talked about getting comfortable with the feeling. I had heard a different level of confidence coming from how he felt while he spoke.
I called it “controlled excitement.” I wanted Don to be able to bring some of that into explaining his work too, including a part of the job he might otherwise deliver as something boring.
What did he notice while trying it?
Don said it felt better. He described more energy and tonality, more rhythm and free flow. Then he said, “And I'm not trying to talk so quiet and perfect and try to disguise mistakes.”
I answered, “You said it yourself, Don.” He was describing what he felt in the attempt we had just worked on together.
How do I use this in an ordinary conversation?
I don't say a whole conversation excitedly. I've explained that. I get curious about something the other person has just said. The examples I gave were a little “Wow, Ohio?” or “Wow, no way!” about something they were telling me.
Those little responses let me experiment with enthusiasm while following the actual conversation. There's a difference between hearing somebody describe what matters to them and already planning my next speech. I wanted the interest to come through in my voice.
Another person described excitement differently
In a different group call, I noticed Crimson take a breath and asked about it. He described a different experience of excitement: “I get excited and then when I get excited I tend to slip up more.”
Crimson said he paused and breathed before talking. I told him that wasn't my thing. I liked spontaneity and momentum. I also told him that if it was his thing, that was great, because it was his personal journey.
I told him, “you're a fucking amazing guy and what you shared, it's incredible.” I said his story could help people. We also talked about the breathing practice he used and how I would have thought about it before a speaking situation.
That's what I worked on: a real subject, hearing how I sounded, finding a bit of confidence, and trying to bring it into the next exchange. It's one part of how I learned to come in taller.