I try to use my voice early. Before a meeting gets going, I want a chance to ask something, hear the other person and be part of the conversation. I know what happens to me when I sit there waiting and keep thinking about when I will finally speak.
In a conversation with Don, he described that experience too. If he didn't start the meeting with a few words, he would begin to shut down and feel tired as it went on.
First, I asked what was happening in his head
I guessed that he was living in his head, and he agreed. I asked him to walk me through it. His thought was that he hadn't said anything yet. How was he going to? What was he going to say?
Then he told me something important about the setting: the meetings were all virtual, through Teams. I had been talking about walking into a room and saying something before sitting down. His meetings needed an opening in a different place.
Join early enough for there to be an opening
I told him that I try to join five or six minutes early, ideally before the boss and client. When the client arrives and is getting settled, there can be an opportunity to start talking.
The example I gave was checking the weather where the person was. I could mention a rainstorm or comment that it looked beautiful. It gave the other person something easy to respond to.
I called it a disguised question. It could sound like a comment, but I wanted them to talk back. I wanted to get things flowing while the conversation was still casual.
That was my explanation for that kind of call. I was looking for an available moment at the beginning, before I had spent the meeting wondering what to say.
Use something the person has actually told you
I asked whether Don spoke with the same people regularly. He said the meetings were more spread out. So I explained the notes I keep: the personal details from before the work starts, from the end of a call, or from a casual comment.
Someone went out west to a ranch. I write that down. The next time we speak, I have a real thing to ask about. It gives me a way into the conversation that belongs to that person.
Don said his boss asked long-standing clients about their families. I asked for an example. Then I suggested writing down a child's name and a detail such as being in college, so he could ask how that experience was going next time.
I was doing this for my speech. Of course, remembering people can also be useful in a job. But the reason I was explaining it to Don was that it gave me a way to start talking and feel less pressure.
What could happen just before that call?
I asked where he took the calls. He said he was in his office with the door shut. We had already talked about music, so I suggested using a few minutes beforehand to play something that made him feel confident, then moving into the call.
The preparation and the opening were connected in what I was trying to explain. I wanted him to use his voice early, ask something and hear a reply, rather than wait while the question of speaking became bigger in his head.
What did he say he would do?
Don said he needed to put it into practice: join first, get some conversation going and build from there. That was where this part of the discussion ended. We had made the situation and the proposed change specific.
That is why I talk about the first few minutes. The client arrives, there is a chance to say something, and I want to use it. Then I still have to listen and respond as the meeting happens.