I start with something in front of us. Something we can both see, something that just happened, or something we have in common. That is where I find the little spark for a conversation.
I used to stand there trying to work it all out. What was I going to say? What if they asked me something back? Which word would I get stuck on? The conversation hadn't even started, and I was already busy with all of it.
Learning to take an opening as it appeared took practice. I had to trust that I could find the next words when the next part happened.
The man looking at cookies
In the grocery store, a man was looking at cookies. I said they looked good and that if they were on sale, I was in trouble. I told him I used to eat a lot of junk food, then asked, “how about you?”
His answer was that he was diabetic and couldn't touch it. I said, “But you still look at it. Smart.” Then I moved on.
The cookies were the thing we were both looking at. His answer gave me the next part. That little exchange was enough for me to show the practice: notice something, say something, hear the answer and respond.
Something that happens right in front of you
At the market, a man threw something toward a trash can and missed. I saw it and said, “Hey, so that was pretty close man.” I commented in the moment, while we both knew what had happened.
Later, I opened another exchange with, “Go Gators man!” I'm a Florida graduate and a Gator fan. We talked about the team, the coach and the recruiting class. That was something I actually enjoyed talking about, and it gave the conversation somewhere to go.
Those are different openings, but both came from being there and noticing. The market recording shows several of those small moments.
What happened when I hesitated?
I developed what I called my 3 Second Rule. I could see an opportunity, start thinking about it, and very quickly make it harder for myself. The moment would turn into another round of planning and fear.
If I was going to approach, I wanted to take the opening. If I had already got caught in that hesitation, I would skip that person. That was a rule I used for my own practice. The point was the pattern I recognized in myself: waiting there could turn a spontaneous comment into something I had rehearsed and worried over.
A question gives the other person room
One question I use is, “Are you from around here?” When someone tells me they're from somewhere else, I can ask, “How did you find your way here?” I want to be curious about the person and follow what they give me.
I have tried different ways of asking. You don't have to memorize my exact phrase. I want a question or comment that belongs in the situation, followed by enough attention to hear the answer.
In an ordinary conversation, I usually don't begin by introducing myself. That opening didn't work well for me. I start with what is happening, then let the conversation develop.
Sometimes the comment stays a comment
In the bookstore, I commented on something happening near me and chose not to stay in the exchange. I also talked about a comment that didn't start a conversation. That was fine; it wasn't really one I wanted to start.
Some interactions are short. Others go somewhere. I don't get to know which one it will be before I speak. That uncertainty was something I had to practice being around.
I blocked plenty of times while learning this. Sometimes I wasn't quick enough. But that is the work I am showing: taking a real opening and learning how to be in the exchange, instead of trying to write both sides of it first.