I was new at school in sixth grade. The teacher was calling on us to read a paragraph out loud. She knew by then that I stuttered.
When it was my turn, I blocked terribly. I remember it as the worst public blocking I'd had. I wanted to hide below my desk, but I couldn't. I had to live with that feeling.
That is the kind of humiliation I remember carrying. An ordinary class task was something I desperately wanted to get through.
I tried a public-speaking class later
In tenth grade, I chose to take public speaking. I wanted to talk. I remembered standing in front of about fifteen people and feeling intimidated. I got a C.
The way I told it was that they didn't have the heart to fail me because I tried. That was how I understood the grade. My speech was still so hard for me.
The places where I wanted my speech to work
School was one of the places I wanted to speak well. Later, I kept trying what I learned in classrooms, at work and in ordinary conversations. I failed many times while working it out.
I also read aloud on my own to find what confidence sounded like in my voice. Being made to read in class and choosing to practice at home were both parts of my experience.
What did another person do when classroom speaking felt too painful?
Someone on a group call told me he had skipped classes when he expected presentations, speeches or reading aloud. I asked where he went. He said the playground or the gym, or sometimes he called in sick.
That was his account. I had asked about the most painful part of his experience, and those were the situations he described.