I wanted to talk well, feel happy and live a good life. When my speech was hard, I could turn that into another reason to be brutal with myself. I needed to learn how to be kind and gentle with the person who was already trying so hard.
Forgiving myself was hard. Very hard. I say that because the words can look simple on a page while actually meaning them can be difficult.
What was I asking myself to forgive?
I was making mistakes and learning. I wanted good speech so badly that a difficult moment could become a judgment on me. I had to recognize how much time I spent feeling bad and how hard I was already working.
When I explain kindness, I am talking to the person who wants to do better and is still having a hard time. I would have loved somebody to say some of those things to me when I was going through it.
The writing suggestion I gave
In the kindness video, I suggested writing a sentence of forgiveness. The example was, “I, Craig Coffey, forgive myself.” I suggested putting your own name into the sentence and writing it ten times.
I also said it didn't have to become something you did daily. That was the suggestion in that video: give the forgiveness some attention, write it and try to mean what you are saying.
I had needed a starting place with self-talk too. My early phrase was, “It's too early in the day to hate yourself.” It was a more neutral interruption when a huge positive statement was too much for me to believe.
The work was learning how to speak to myself differently. I was already hearing my own criticism throughout the day.
I called another part of it “date yourself”
Take yourself out. Get some ice cream. Go to an event. Make time for something that makes you smile. That was part of the explanation I gave because I wanted life to contain some enjoyment too.
I knew what it was like to judge a day by my speech. What had gone wrong? What might go wrong next? I could be thinking about speaking even when I wasn't talking to anybody.
Doing something kind for myself gave another part of life some room. When you see me in a coffee shop, at a market or getting ice cream, those are also things I like doing.
A small phrase from my grandmother
My teaching notes include something my grandmother used to say: “we do the best we can.” I kept that phrase with this material about kindness.
I still wanted to work on my speech. I wanted improvement, and I put a lot into it. I also wanted to remember that I was a person working through something hard.
Some days I backed down. Some days things didn't go well. I have spoken about those days as well as my determination. The kindness was part of how I wanted to treat myself through that life, while I was still learning.