# What do I ask before giving somebody speaking advice?

By [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)

I want to know what's actually happening. What's the hardest part? What goes through your head? Who are you talking to, and where does the conversation take place?

Those details can change what I have to say.

In one work conversation, I started talking about walking into a room and using your voice before sitting down. Then I learned that the meetings were virtual. They were on Teams. So the suggestion changed: look for an opening by [joining the call early](/stuttering-in-meetings).

The setting mattered. I couldn't just keep describing a room when that wasn't where the conversation happened.

## Do they want to talk or type?

In one of my group calls, I asked, “do you want to talk or do you want to type?” I said I could go and come back. It was an actual choice I offered in the conversation.

## Ask what the person means

In that same call, someone described something like a writer's block. I asked for a specific example, what was in their mind, and what was happening before it. [I wanted to understand what they meant by that block.](/losing-your-train-of-thought-when-speaking)

I ask because those details help me understand the problem in front of me.

I've also asked someone whether there was anything they remembered about when their stuttering began, and said it was okay if they didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to be respectful first.

## When the answer changes the question

In one conversation, I asked whether someone was putting off a decision because of his speech. He said no. It was about the commitment and the what-ifs. I replied, “That, I got no advice on, dude.”

## What did I do after cutting someone off?

In another call, someone was explaining his fear of telephone conversations. I asked how his fluency was on the phone now, started talking, then said, “I'm sorry that I cut you off.” I apologized and returned to the question.

He said his phone speech was much better than before. He described thinking less about the words he expected to stutter on and sometimes speaking in a slower tone. I told him I thought that was great. That was his experience, and I wanted to hear it.

## When the person found the connection himself

In one of my other coaching conversations, we talked about fear of rejection. I asked the person whether he felt rejected when somebody skipped him on the video-chat site we were using. He said he didn't take it to heart much, because he would meet the next person and life went on.

I asked why that felt different. He started to see where I was going. Then I wanted him to say it: if he was rejected, he could move on to the next person. I told him we had walked down the path together, but he had made that connection himself.

That was his response during our conversation. I wanted to hear how he understood the experience he was already having.

## Did the person want help or just want to talk?

That question came up during a disagreement in a group call. I asked, “do you want my help or do you just want to talk?” The person said he wanted to talk one on one and that he should have clarified that earlier.

I said I wasn't available then. He said he would talk with other people. He also said there might be parts of his experience I couldn't relate to. I kept talking about the speaking experiences I felt we shared.

## The feeling did not tell me what had caused it

In a call with Don, he told me he was tired after sleeping badly. I asked why. He said he hadn't been thinking about the next day's call. I asked whether what had happened was normal for him; he said it wasn't.

## The word “gut” needed clarification too

I also had to hear what LBZ meant by his gut feeling. I initially described it as the part that felt he couldn't become fluent. He corrected that: the feeling that he could was his intuition. The feeling that he couldn't was fear.

## Before a blunt response

Before challenging another participant's expectations about medical-school orientation, I asked if I had permission to speak freely. I said I would be respectful, but blunt. He said, “yeah yeah sure sure.”

## I can share my experience and hear theirs

I've said directly that I can only share what worked for me. That doesn't tell me everything about somebody else's life.

And when I've shared my book, I've asked for more than what the person likes. I especially want to hear where they want clarification, where they're thinking, I don't really get this.

That's a useful conversation to have. The question gets more specific, and I have a better chance of explaining the part the person actually needs.

## Related answers

- [How do I listen when I am worrying about my speech?](/listening-without-monitoring-your-speech)
- [What is the approach I am sharing?](/craig-coffee-approach)
- [Why did I sometimes leave filler words alone?](/filler-words-and-stuttering)

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