# How did I hide how hard speaking was for me?

By [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)

There was a lot people didn't hear. The stutter was only part of what I was living with. They didn't hear the decisions I made before I ever opened my mouth.

## What had I already decided not to say?

In a restaurant, I could [order what I could say](/ordering-food-when-you-stutter) instead of what I wanted. Before going out, I could be thinking about whether I would ask somebody out, where we would go, and what I would have to say. My speech got into all of those choices.

[Work was part of it too](/jobs-for-people-who-stutter). I took jobs where I wouldn't have to speak as much. There were chances I didn't take because I was scared of speaking.

## The choice could happen before I reached the counter

When I needed to pay inside a gas station, I would park at a pump with a number I could say more easily. Standing in line and asking for twenty dollars on a pump felt like public speaking to me. I dreaded it.

I also described arranging for a friend to introduce me so I could avoid saying my own name. Sometimes that worked. I grew tired of trying to manage those introductions, and I have described what that did to my self-esteem. The worry could start before I met the next person.

## What happened while someone else talked?

Sometimes it barely felt like a conversation. It felt like a one-way monologue with a few words from me. I was so focused on what my response would be that I wasn't really hearing the other person.

What words would I have to say? Which ones could I get around? That was the conversation in my head while they were still talking. [Learning to listen](/listening-without-monitoring-your-speech) meant working on that part of the experience too.

## What stayed inside afterward?

I remember standing with friends and wanting to make a joke, then hearing someone else say it thirty seconds later. I couldn't, or wouldn't dare, say it myself. That is part of [the loneliness I have described](/loneliness-and-stuttering).

I could take the pain home and still have it in my head at bedtime. My parents and my sister didn't know how much I was going through.

I have also explained the word choices I made deliberately while working on my fluency, including [word substitution](/word-substitution-and-stuttering) and [an easier name for an optional order](/using-an-easier-name-when-you-stutter). Those are choices I want to explain in their actual situations.

## Someone else's account of hiding it

In a call, someone told me he had once been able to hide his stutter by avoiding a few difficult words. He said that, over time, hiding it made him more anxious and his speech got worse. I told him I respected what he was saying. [That account and my response are included with my explanation of word substitution.](/word-substitution-and-stuttering)

## Related answers

- [What did I wish my family understood about my stuttering?](/talking-to-family-about-stuttering)

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