{
  "schema_version": "1.0",
  "id": "CC-088",
  "title": "How did I hide how hard speaking was for me?",
  "topic": "Self-talk, identity and everyday impact",
  "author": {
    "name": "Craig Coffee",
    "id": "https://usedtostutter.com/craig-coffee#person"
  },
  "canonical_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance",
  "access": "public",
  "content_kind": "author_published_article",
  "context_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/about-this-material",
  "source_sha256": "9779cc079933002065eece138975e08feb95ca5c575dd89d4cfd0fbebbc6e6da",
  "source_markdown": "# How did I hide how hard speaking was for me?\n\nBy [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)\n\nThere was a lot people didn't hear. The stutter was only part of what I was living with. They didn't hear the decisions I made before I ever opened my mouth.\n\n## What had I already decided not to say?\n\nIn a restaurant, I could [order what I could say](/ordering-food-when-you-stutter) instead of what I wanted. Before going out, I could be thinking about whether I would ask somebody out, where we would go, and what I would have to say. My speech got into all of those choices.\n\n[Work was part of it too](/jobs-for-people-who-stutter). I took jobs where I wouldn't have to speak as much. There were chances I didn't take because I was scared of speaking.\n\n## The choice could happen before I reached the counter\n\nWhen I needed to pay inside a gas station, I would park at a pump with a number I could say more easily. Standing in line and asking for twenty dollars on a pump felt like public speaking to me. I dreaded it.\n\nI also described arranging for a friend to introduce me so I could avoid saying my own name. Sometimes that worked. I grew tired of trying to manage those introductions, and I have described what that did to my self-esteem. The worry could start before I met the next person.\n\n## What happened while someone else talked?\n\nSometimes it barely felt like a conversation. It felt like a one-way monologue with a few words from me. I was so focused on what my response would be that I wasn't really hearing the other person.\n\nWhat words would I have to say? Which ones could I get around? That was the conversation in my head while they were still talking. [Learning to listen](/listening-without-monitoring-your-speech) meant working on that part of the experience too.\n\n## What stayed inside afterward?\n\nI remember standing with friends and wanting to make a joke, then hearing someone else say it thirty seconds later. I couldn't, or wouldn't dare, say it myself. That is part of [the loneliness I have described](/loneliness-and-stuttering).\n\nI could take the pain home and still have it in my head at bedtime. My parents and my sister didn't know how much I was going through.\n\nI have also explained the word choices I made deliberately while working on my fluency, including [word substitution](/word-substitution-and-stuttering) and [an easier name for an optional order](/using-an-easier-name-when-you-stutter). Those are choices I want to explain in their actual situations.\n\n## Someone else's account of hiding it\n\nIn a call, someone told me he had once been able to hide his stutter by avoiding a few difficult words. He said that, over time, hiding it made him more anxious and his speech got worse. I told him I respected what he was saying. [That account and my response are included with my explanation of word substitution.](/word-substitution-and-stuttering)\n\n## Related answers\n\n- [What did I wish my family understood about my stuttering?](/talking-to-family-about-stuttering)\n\n[Find your question](/questions)\n",
  "relative_link_base": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance",
  "sections": [
    {
      "id": "reading-content",
      "heading": null,
      "heading_level": null,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#reading-content",
      "role": "source_context",
      "source_markdown": "There was a lot people didn't hear. The stutter was only part of what I was living with. They didn't hear the decisions I made before I ever opened my mouth.\n\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "418b3699cac4e51b1a367c4ac3f654e97ca62700d4717f374e494c7f3fe96a48"
    },
    {
      "id": "what-had-i-already-decided-not-to-say",
      "heading": "What had I already decided not to say?",
      "heading_level": 2,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#what-had-i-already-decided-not-to-say",
      "role": "source_context",
      "source_markdown": "## What had I already decided not to say?\n\nIn a restaurant, I could [order what I could say](/ordering-food-when-you-stutter) instead of what I wanted. Before going out, I could be thinking about whether I would ask somebody out, where we would go, and what I would have to say. My speech got into all of those choices.\n\n[Work was part of it too](/jobs-for-people-who-stutter). I took jobs where I wouldn't have to speak as much. There were chances I didn't take because I was scared of speaking.\n\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "179b389b9e5e428af760d8ecb11eba8c50648a77b4b8123d5160dcfb38446e9b"
    },
    {
      "id": "the-choice-could-happen-before-i-reached-the-counter",
      "heading": "The choice could happen before I reached the counter",
      "heading_level": 2,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#the-choice-could-happen-before-i-reached-the-counter",
      "role": "source_context",
      "source_markdown": "## The choice could happen before I reached the counter\n\nWhen I needed to pay inside a gas station, I would park at a pump with a number I could say more easily. Standing in line and asking for twenty dollars on a pump felt like public speaking to me. I dreaded it.\n\nI also described arranging for a friend to introduce me so I could avoid saying my own name. Sometimes that worked. I grew tired of trying to manage those introductions, and I have described what that did to my self-esteem. The worry could start before I met the next person.\n\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "24bacfd8349c41fa815bde233525c8cfab0cd32a07d26c81581c5272dbb34644"
    },
    {
      "id": "what-happened-while-someone-else-talked",
      "heading": "What happened while someone else talked?",
      "heading_level": 2,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#what-happened-while-someone-else-talked",
      "role": "source_context",
      "source_markdown": "## What happened while someone else talked?\n\nSometimes it barely felt like a conversation. It felt like a one-way monologue with a few words from me. I was so focused on what my response would be that I wasn't really hearing the other person.\n\nWhat words would I have to say? Which ones could I get around? That was the conversation in my head while they were still talking. [Learning to listen](/listening-without-monitoring-your-speech) meant working on that part of the experience too.\n\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "65337309f6ccc22f4b22063cc273317d5ee2dfd0a1c8b145c1cce81c0eba4073"
    },
    {
      "id": "what-stayed-inside-afterward",
      "heading": "What stayed inside afterward?",
      "heading_level": 2,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#what-stayed-inside-afterward",
      "role": "source_context",
      "source_markdown": "## What stayed inside afterward?\n\nI remember standing with friends and wanting to make a joke, then hearing someone else say it thirty seconds later. I couldn't, or wouldn't dare, say it myself. That is part of [the loneliness I have described](/loneliness-and-stuttering).\n\nI could take the pain home and still have it in my head at bedtime. My parents and my sister didn't know how much I was going through.\n\nI have also explained the word choices I made deliberately while working on my fluency, including [word substitution](/word-substitution-and-stuttering) and [an easier name for an optional order](/using-an-easier-name-when-you-stutter). Those are choices I want to explain in their actual situations.\n\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "f6345bbe8361adf51676147582d7c31badbe2b06f4b6ba13cd322042f396dd83"
    },
    {
      "id": "someone-else-s-account-of-hiding-it",
      "heading": "Someone else's account of hiding it",
      "heading_level": 2,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#someone-else-s-account-of-hiding-it",
      "role": "source_context",
      "source_markdown": "## Someone else's account of hiding it\n\nIn a call, someone told me he had once been able to hide his stutter by avoiding a few difficult words. He said that, over time, hiding it made him more anxious and his speech got worse. I told him I respected what he was saying. [That account and my response are included with my explanation of word substitution.](/word-substitution-and-stuttering)\n\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "8732e9c32861c87e10ac27aab07121eb6229d88c3a99683ba838b65a35ae5132"
    },
    {
      "id": "related-answers",
      "heading": "Related answers",
      "heading_level": 2,
      "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/covert-stuttering-avoidance#related-answers",
      "role": "navigation",
      "source_markdown": "## Related answers\n\n- [What did I wish my family understood about my stuttering?](/talking-to-family-about-stuttering)\n",
      "source_span_sha256": "42463158130d71b1d48815aaff84a0469fc107b9cd4e20ebd5ef4657667aa159"
    }
  ],
  "related_book_sections": []
}