# Why did I keep replaying difficult speaking moments at night?

By [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)

I could go to bed with the worst parts of my day still happening in my head. The speaking moment was over, but I kept replaying it. Then I would start imagining what the next day might bring.

A word I couldn't say. Feeling humiliated at school. Something I wished I had done differently. I could lie there with tears in my eyes while nobody else knew how much I was still carrying.

I don't know why I originally started to stutter. This is the pattern I knew afterward: looking back at what hurt and looking ahead for the next thing that might hurt.

## I started with the way I spoke to myself

I had become very good at attacking myself. I failed again. I can't talk. Nobody will like me. Those were thoughts I lived with for years.

My early interruption was, “It's too early in the day to hate yourself.” I called it a crutch. I used it in the morning and at night. It wasn't a huge promise that everything was suddenly fine. It was something I could say to interrupt what I was already doing.

[That self-talk work](/negative-self-talk-after-stuttering) took time. I didn't have to wait until I loved everything about myself to begin it.

## Could I remember something else that had actually happened?

In the self-talk video, I asked the listener to remember a time their speech was a little better than expected. Then I asked what they had said to themselves afterward.

Maybe the first thought was, why can't I do that all the time? But was there also a quieter thought of having done it, of having got the words out? I wanted them to notice that too.

I was asking for an actual moment. It did not have to be perfect speech. The point was to give [a better experience](/small-speaking-successes) some space instead of replaying only the painful ones.

## A person challenged my explanation

In a group call, a participant said he wanted to understand why a memory made him feel bad. He distinguished understanding that feeling from simply going over the painful event again.

I disagreed strongly during that conversation, and he kept explaining the distinction he meant. I want to preserve that disagreement accurately. I was describing the time I spent replaying humiliation and expecting more of it. He was asking how to understand his reaction to a memory. We did not reach an agreed method during that exchange.

## There was loneliness in it too

I would have loved somebody who had gone through this and could talk with me about it. Someone who understood why the day still hurt after the talking was over. I have described wanting that as much as wanting help with fluency.

Learning [kindness toward myself](/being-kind-to-yourself-after-stuttering) was part of the work. So was making some room for enjoyment and for relationships. I wanted more in my life than getting through a conversation and spending the rest of the night punishing myself for it.

## Related answers

- [How did I try again after an embarrassing speaking moment?](/confidence-after-bad-stuttering-day)

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