{ "schema_version": "1.0", "id": "CC-033", "title": "Why did I keep replaying difficult speaking moments at night?", "topic": "Self-talk, identity and everyday impact", "author": { "name": "Craig Coffee", "id": "https://usedtostutter.com/craig-coffee#person" }, "canonical_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night", "access": "public", "content_kind": "author_published_article", "context_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/about-this-material", "source_sha256": "2c1982c0f0100fe6827f3532f75ed4c511aba165463ebbe62555d4d63ae849a4", "source_markdown": "# Why did I keep replaying difficult speaking moments at night?\n\nBy [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)\n\nI could go to bed with the worst parts of my day still happening in my head. The speaking moment was over, but I kept replaying it. Then I would start imagining what the next day might bring.\n\nA word I couldn't say. Feeling humiliated at school. Something I wished I had done differently. I could lie there with tears in my eyes while nobody else knew how much I was still carrying.\n\nI don't know why I originally started to stutter. This is the pattern I knew afterward: looking back at what hurt and looking ahead for the next thing that might hurt.\n\n## I started with the way I spoke to myself\n\nI had become very good at attacking myself. I failed again. I can't talk. Nobody will like me. Those were thoughts I lived with for years.\n\nMy early interruption was, “It's too early in the day to hate yourself.” I called it a crutch. I used it in the morning and at night. It wasn't a huge promise that everything was suddenly fine. It was something I could say to interrupt what I was already doing.\n\n[That self-talk work](/negative-self-talk-after-stuttering) took time. I didn't have to wait until I loved everything about myself to begin it.\n\n## Could I remember something else that had actually happened?\n\nIn the self-talk video, I asked the listener to remember a time their speech was a little better than expected. Then I asked what they had said to themselves afterward.\n\nMaybe the first thought was, why can't I do that all the time? But was there also a quieter thought of having done it, of having got the words out? I wanted them to notice that too.\n\nI was asking for an actual moment. It did not have to be perfect speech. The point was to give [a better experience](/small-speaking-successes) some space instead of replaying only the painful ones.\n\n## A person challenged my explanation\n\nIn a group call, a participant said he wanted to understand why a memory made him feel bad. He distinguished understanding that feeling from simply going over the painful event again.\n\nI disagreed strongly during that conversation, and he kept explaining the distinction he meant. I want to preserve that disagreement accurately. I was describing the time I spent replaying humiliation and expecting more of it. He was asking how to understand his reaction to a memory. We did not reach an agreed method during that exchange.\n\n## There was loneliness in it too\n\nI would have loved somebody who had gone through this and could talk with me about it. Someone who understood why the day still hurt after the talking was over. I have described wanting that as much as wanting help with fluency.\n\nLearning [kindness toward myself](/being-kind-to-yourself-after-stuttering) was part of the work. So was making some room for enjoyment and for relationships. I wanted more in my life than getting through a conversation and spending the rest of the night punishing myself for it.\n\n## Related answers\n\n- [How did I try again after an embarrassing speaking moment?](/confidence-after-bad-stuttering-day)\n\n[Find your question](/questions)\n", "relative_link_base": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night", "sections": [ { "id": "reading-content", "heading": null, "heading_level": null, "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night#reading-content", "role": "source_context", "source_markdown": "I could go to bed with the worst parts of my day still happening in my head. The speaking moment was over, but I kept replaying it. Then I would start imagining what the next day might bring.\n\nA word I couldn't say. Feeling humiliated at school. Something I wished I had done differently. I could lie there with tears in my eyes while nobody else knew how much I was still carrying.\n\nI don't know why I originally started to stutter. This is the pattern I knew afterward: looking back at what hurt and looking ahead for the next thing that might hurt.\n\n", "source_span_sha256": "efb6383feb73f136349c926627d6e59f8097c8be9ee70204bf2a680d3ae5409e" }, { "id": "i-started-with-the-way-i-spoke-to-myself", "heading": "I started with the way I spoke to myself", "heading_level": 2, "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night#i-started-with-the-way-i-spoke-to-myself", "role": "source_context", "source_markdown": "## I started with the way I spoke to myself\n\nI had become very good at attacking myself. I failed again. I can't talk. Nobody will like me. Those were thoughts I lived with for years.\n\nMy early interruption was, “It's too early in the day to hate yourself.” I called it a crutch. I used it in the morning and at night. It wasn't a huge promise that everything was suddenly fine. It was something I could say to interrupt what I was already doing.\n\n[That self-talk work](/negative-self-talk-after-stuttering) took time. I didn't have to wait until I loved everything about myself to begin it.\n\n", "source_span_sha256": "dc1544ac7b9f172b57dc91fab7a765846b9c0332912dde9c5dfa97022369a03e" }, { "id": "could-i-remember-something-else-that-had-actually-happened", "heading": "Could I remember something else that had actually happened?", "heading_level": 2, "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night#could-i-remember-something-else-that-had-actually-happened", "role": "source_context", "source_markdown": "## Could I remember something else that had actually happened?\n\nIn the self-talk video, I asked the listener to remember a time their speech was a little better than expected. Then I asked what they had said to themselves afterward.\n\nMaybe the first thought was, why can't I do that all the time? But was there also a quieter thought of having done it, of having got the words out? I wanted them to notice that too.\n\nI was asking for an actual moment. It did not have to be perfect speech. The point was to give [a better experience](/small-speaking-successes) some space instead of replaying only the painful ones.\n\n", "source_span_sha256": "ba1d78a01c74c1db3a165117c56c79405f094c0e3f8da3558f386518c817f0ec" }, { "id": "a-person-challenged-my-explanation", "heading": "A person challenged my explanation", "heading_level": 2, "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night#a-person-challenged-my-explanation", "role": "source_context", "source_markdown": "## A person challenged my explanation\n\nIn a group call, a participant said he wanted to understand why a memory made him feel bad. He distinguished understanding that feeling from simply going over the painful event again.\n\nI disagreed strongly during that conversation, and he kept explaining the distinction he meant. I want to preserve that disagreement accurately. I was describing the time I spent replaying humiliation and expecting more of it. He was asking how to understand his reaction to a memory. We did not reach an agreed method during that exchange.\n\n", "source_span_sha256": "6d8c6d1b3f93eaa345d7daea729e342c5a11bf8c52d00f255504660572bc69fa" }, { "id": "there-was-loneliness-in-it-too", "heading": "There was loneliness in it too", "heading_level": 2, "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night#there-was-loneliness-in-it-too", "role": "source_context", "source_markdown": "## There was loneliness in it too\n\nI would have loved somebody who had gone through this and could talk with me about it. Someone who understood why the day still hurt after the talking was over. I have described wanting that as much as wanting help with fluency.\n\nLearning [kindness toward myself](/being-kind-to-yourself-after-stuttering) was part of the work. So was making some room for enjoyment and for relationships. I wanted more in my life than getting through a conversation and spending the rest of the night punishing myself for it.\n\n", "source_span_sha256": "369fae0157493bff50d0d7ffd35ee8534f8bf5c466d41d4e8ea5929106080b7c" }, { "id": "related-answers", "heading": "Related answers", "heading_level": 2, "citation_url": "https://usedtostutter.com/replaying-stuttering-at-night#related-answers", "role": "navigation", "source_markdown": "## Related answers\n\n- [How did I try again after an embarrassing speaking moment?](/confidence-after-bad-stuttering-day)\n", "source_span_sha256": "3880065647ea34e3a5c83380a81ca2441b987d153263bb7dee52794fd726eeb8" } ], "related_book_sections": [ { "id": "heal-quick", "title": "HEAL QUICK", "url": "https://usedtostutter.com/reader/book/editions/corrected-2026-10-04-9e1d376a993f/chapters/heal-quick", "formats": { "json": "https://usedtostutter.com/reader/book/editions/corrected-2026-10-04-9e1d376a993f/chapters/heal-quick.json", "xml": "https://usedtostutter.com/reader/book/editions/corrected-2026-10-04-9e1d376a993f/chapters/heal-quick.xml", "md": "https://usedtostutter.com/reader/book/editions/corrected-2026-10-04-9e1d376a993f/chapters/heal-quick.md", "txt": "https://usedtostutter.com/reader/book/editions/corrected-2026-10-04-9e1d376a993f/chapters/heal-quick.txt" } } ] }