# How do I listen when I am worrying about my speech?

By [Craig Coffee](/craig-coffee)

I used to be barely present. The other person would talk, and I would be in my head: what am I going to say next? Which words can I say? Which ones can't I say? I was [planning my next turn](/stuttering-anticipation) while they were still speaking.

The work was to listen to what they were saying. Hear the words. Think about the words. I put it bluntly in the book: shut the fuck up and listen. I needed to give the other person my attention.

## What did watching their mouth do for me?

One thing I did was watch the person's mouth. It gave my mind something to do while they talked. I watched how they formed the words instead of immediately running through my next sentence.

That was a crutch while I learned how to have a conversation. The stutter was still there. I had a lot left to learn, but I had found something that helped me get away from obsessively predicting my next words.

## What did I say when somebody questioned that?

Someone asked why looking at a mouth would reduce stuttering. I corrected that. I was explaining what gave my mind something to think about while the other person spoke. I had been describing where my attention went.

Then the question was why the mouth instead of the eyes. For me, that was where my confidence was at the time. I would look at someone's eyes for a moment, but I wasn't comfortable staying there. The mouth was what I could do. Later I learned to look them in the eyes and talk.

## What if I get through the opening and start planning again?

Someone asked me about the second or third exchange. We could go back and forth for a few seconds, he said, and then his mind went back to which words he could say. He also described planning his exit and trying to end the conversation quickly.

That is where I told him to watch the person's mouth, hear the words, hear the tonality, and concentrate on what they were saying. I wanted him to have something to focus on while they talked, because the old habit was to start planning his reply immediately.

He proposed trying four or five exchanges when he went out for groceries. That was the practice he suggested for himself. I talked about learning to “stand in the pocket,” like a quarterback standing there to throw while someone rushes toward him. I was talking about learning to stay there and have the conversation.

In that same call, I also said he was under no obligation to stand there and finish it. He could walk away. I had stayed in an unpleasant store interaction and become more humiliated when I wished I had left. [That experience changed how I thought about staying.](/hostile-listeners-and-stuttering)

## What if I start thinking about how well I am speaking?

In that same exchange, I said good or bad. I was talking about thinking about my speech while I was in the conversation. I put it strongly: the moment I thought about my good speech, it was “all fucking over.” I said I had experienced that many times.

The person said he knew that experience too and still went back to rehearsing. That was when I gave him the mouth, the words and the tonality to concentrate on. I wanted him to stay present for what the other person was saying.

## What am I listening for?

Their words. What they are actually saying. I have to hear the person if I want to [respond to what they just gave me](/following-up-in-a-conversation). When I spend their whole turn planning mine, I'm missing the conversation happening in front of me.

I had to practice getting my attention off predicting my next step. That is the part I want you to understand about this crutch: what I used it for, where I was when I used it, and what I learned to do afterward.

## Am I trying to stop thinking?

In another conversation, somebody heard my explanation as not thinking about what to say. I corrected that. I wanted them to listen to the other person's words and think about what those words meant.

Then they described it as mirroring the person. That wasn't the instruction either. [We were talking about reaching your turn without knowing what to say](/losing-your-train-of-thought-when-speaking). I wanted their attention on the conversation while it was happening.

## Related answers

- [Do I have to fill every silence in a conversation?](/silence-in-a-conversation)
- [How can I prepare without scripting every word?](/preparing-without-scripting)

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